Holidays bring family together and that is good. However, family issues that were never resolved may come to light. To help your family time during the holidays be peaceful and bright, I have collected a few insights and recommendations for your consideration.

Accept that family relations are complex. Accept that high stress during holidays is real. It relates to the practical demands of decorations, gifts, entertaining, finances and family relations. It also has to do with the inevitable taking stock of the year in conversations in one’s own mind and over the holiday table. People inevitably present their year in holiday card humble-brag style, and it is difficult not to make comparisons between one family and the next.

Establish a realistic idea about who you are going to see and how they are likely to interact with you. Behavior patterns (also called dynamics) between people are very durable. That is, they are challenging to change. If you have a dysfunctional or uncomfortable dynamic with someone you are likely to see, prepare for it. Consider developing responses in advance should difficult topics come up. Remember to make “ I statements ”, i.e., "I feel", "I think".

Set your own boundaries and stay within them. Begin by going to a family gathering focusing on the positive about yourself. Hold to those positive beliefs. Likewise, be tolerant of others and their idiosyncrasies. Focus on the positive in others.

When you are reconnecting with people, greet them directly and warmly. Ask simple open ended questions but don’t pry. There is often no need to evaluate what they say or respond, just to listen with empathy and understanding.

Do not go outside of your boundaries. Do not defend yourself if challenged. Just agree to disagree. Do not try to control or persuade others about old or new issues. Do not get drawn into an argument in a family gathering even if you have stake in the issue. It is not the time or the place.

Remember the reason you celebrate holidays. They should be a time to celebrate the wondrous healing power of hope for the future. Holidays should be about celebrating the value of relationships. If your family relationships have not been well cared for, holiday time is a good time to start your part in this. Medical science has shown that we are happiest and healthiest if our relationships are healthy. Attaining optimal nutrition, fitness, and physical health are not easy. These take considerable learning, patience, and routine. Relationship health is no different.

This last weekend our adult kids cross examined us about when we had last done something with just the two of us as a couple. As a result we ended up taking our own hike in Glacier Park, something we had not done in years. This got me thinking about the ever increasing amount of evidence demonstrating how critical relationships are to health. I put two and two together.

More attention should be given to relationships in the context of health. Primary care physicians including Ob/Gyns should include relationship assessment in their broader health history. They should be able identify serious problems and refer patients for couple’s counseling or whatever it is they need to correct the problems.

All this can happen in the context of the doctor’s visit. But discussion about the health of our relationships should be a common one, because it is important. We talk about kale, yoga, cardio and even mindfulness. Why shouldn’t the conversation extend to interpersonal skills and healthy relationships ?

I have spent the last few days reviewing material on the subject of relationships and what can be done to make them healthier. This extends beyond partner relationships to friendships and family relationships. The core skill set in all cases is the same, with variations depending on the relationship.

Two particular sources were the most helpful.

The first is an article in Psychology Today which pointed me toward a sweeping review out of UCLA on the effectiveness of couples' therapy. The conventional wisdom in the lay press seems to be that couple's therapy does not work well. This research study served to shed light on this question. It was a major review of the past 40 years of research on couples therapy. It turns out that certain therapy worked, and certain therapy did not. The conclusion of the study was that couple's therapy does demonstrably work IF it follows 5 particular principles :

The therapist must be willing to ask both partners to step back and look more objectively at the facts and patterns of the relationship and actually be willing to change how they each think of the relationship. (The individual partner’s views are not sacrosanct.)
To be effective, a therapist must be wiling and able to change actual behavior in the individuals. They must be able to take concrete steps to prevent one partner from harming the other. This includes psychological services, anger management, or substance abuse treatment. (The therapist must have teeth.)
Effective therapists must bring out the emotions of each partner.
Effective therapy must include the teaching of good communication skills. This includes active listening and responsible “I statements”.
Effective therapy must focus on strength and build resilience.

In brief, therapy can be effective if it

Fosters objectivity
Changes behavior
Handles emotions
Teaches communication
Enhances strengths

My second source led me to the famous Gottman Institute founders John and Julie Gottman. They provided a piece in the recently published " Time Special Edition, The Science of Relationships" . As lay reading goes, it is superb. I picked mine up in Costco. In it, they discussed their work and the “ Seattle Love Lab” where they evaluate and treat couples. They also referred to their most recent book, "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”. In this book they present the distilled result of their observations of hundreds of successful “ emotionally intelligent” marriages. They too identified the common patterns in these relationships and have presented them for our consideration.

They seven principals at work in successful marriages are as follows:

Enhance Your Love Maps
Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Let Your Partner Influence You
Solve Your Solvable Problems
Overcome Gridlock
Create Shared Meaning

You could map each of these lists uno the other and find that they line up pretty well. I find it interesting that both research groups chose to study what worked, and that the features held true over large numbers of couples and long periods of time. Finally, it seems that the social sciences are catching up to the medical sciences in prescribing evidence based treatments.

I encourage you to delve into this literature, regardless of the type or the state of your relationships.

Check these valuable resources out at your local library, your local booksellers, Amazon.com, or even Costco.